


Invader Red... and Purple

by Tallestred



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: AU where Zim and the Tallest swap roles, Almighty Tallest Purple/Almighty Tallest Red-centric, Almighty Tallest Zim (Invader Zim), Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Asexual Relationship, Dib is himself, Fluff and Humor, Gir is himself, Light Angst, M/M, Red and Purple are Invaders, Red and Purple are dumbasses, Slow Burn, Zim is the Tallest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:42:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22131232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallestred/pseuds/Tallestred
Summary: AU where Zim is the Tallest, and Red and Purple are invaders.Red is an invader. He's about to be assigned to an enemy planet, when his old pal Purple crashes the whole event, demanding to be made an invader himself. The two wind up on a mission together, to FIND a planet to conquer, joined by Gir, an experimental S.I.R. unit, hand-build by Tallest Zim himself. They wind up on planet earth, where chaos promptly ensues.I wrote this a while ago, so my grammar and punctuation probably ain't the best. I'll be gradually fixing all the errors. I hope you enjoy this. It's so dumb but I kind of love it.
Relationships: Almighty Tallest Purple/Almighty Tallest Red
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	1. The Great Assigning

The Great Assigning had begun. Red had never liked the current Tallest as he was nothing short of insane, to put things lightly. Zim ruled Irk as though its populace was made up of mindless puppets, there to bend in whatever way possible, or impossible, to fulfil his obscene requests. And they were, in a sense, because what other choice did they have? A revolution would be risky, and there was little to stop Zim exterminating the lot of them and replacing them all with newly hatched and fully indoctrinated smeets. Zim used that as a scare tactic anyway. In reality, that'd be more trouble than it was worth, at least for Zim whom wasn’t the most patient of irkens.

Still, nobody had made a move to remove him from power and unless Red was out of the loop there was no imminent plot to do so either. The previous Tallest and the one before him weren't removed per-say, they were killed as a result of Zim's incompetence. And all data on previous revolutions, if there had even been any at all, proved to be impossible to recover. Meaning Red himself didn’t have a leg to stand on when it came to plotting anything. At least not yet. For now, he'd work, climb his way up through the ranks, get more and more powerful and do something dramatic before the Tallest even knew what’d hit him. And if that didn’t work, he’d settle for the cushy status of a successful invader and avoid Zim like the plague. He could do that pretty well when others had trouble escaping their leader's destructive tendencies. That was thanks to his first-hand experience of course. Red was among the few living irkens, who’d been able to witness the full ‘Growth of Zim’. If you could even call it that. It would perhaps come across as surprising to some, to learn that he’d barely changed at all throughout his entire life. That he was an absolute maniac through and through and had likely been so since before he’d even hatched. However, physically, well that was another story and one no-one could deny. To the abject horror of Red, who’d always been on the shorter side, the taller Zim who had up until that point been growing steadily, hit a growth spurt out of nowhere. A drastic one. One that landed him Tallest, leader of their entire planet, a domineering dictator, and the destroyer of galaxies. That last one was a self-proclaimed title and just thinking about it made Red scoff. Zim was hardly competent enough to pull something like that off, even if he was naturally prone to destruction. 

Arguably, only one other living irken could’ve possibly given Zim a run for his money when it came to a complete and utter lack of competence. That irken was Purple. He wasn’t as detestable as the Tallest but came damn near close, at least in Red’s opinion. He cared little for anything and was very clearly defective. It was only natural for Red to pick up on that, on Purple’s little behavioral glitches and whatnot, because they’d grown up together. All three of them had, alongside a particularly short and chubby irken known as Skoodge. Unfortunately, all the others in their area were long dead, thanks to Zim’s various childhood escapades. Red, with a little luck and a lot of smarts learned how to avoid the other irken, how to dodge the outcomes of his failed experiments and schemes. Purple on the other hand, was a little less lucky, or less smart, probably the latter, since he’d found himself at the receiving end of Zim’s antics much more often than Red. He’d powered through anyhow. How Skoodge had made it to adulthood relatively unmaimed was anyone’s guess. Now Zim was the Tallest, Red was on his way to becoming an invader, as was Skoodge, and Purple… Well, Purple was on Foodcourtia working at a place called, Shloogorgh's Flavour Monster. He was banished there actually, though the idiot himself would never admit it. There for ‘single-handedly’ ruining Operation Impending Doom one, which wasn’t the least bit true. Anyone with half a brain knew it was the result of their Tallest’s own overenthusiasm and lack of a coherent plan. Still, Purple did cause a blackout on half of the planet and that gave Zim a scapegoat. So a scapegoat he became. As much as Purple tended to peeve Red, it was obscenely unfair to blame it all on him. Then again Zim was anything before he was fair and Red had the sneaking suspicion Purple didn’t hate the job as much as he had let on. After all, he was surrounded by food wasn’t he? Plus he wasn’t dead, which was a miracle in and of itself. It was no secret their leader was a tyrant. Maybe Zim had a microscopic soft spot for the three irkens he’d insisted were his friends, or rather his ‘minions’, when he was young. It wouldn’t be that surprising to Red, what with all the other evidence in support of his defectiveness, of course he’d remain serenely oblivious to Red and Purple’s hatred. Red hadn’t spent enough time with Skoodge to know if their opinions on Zim were mutual. He supposed they probably were.

“Welcome mighty, but still less mighty than Zim, Irken soldiers! Behind me are the soldiers that I, ZIM, have deemed worthy of becoming invaders... Bask in their presence!”

The temptation to roll his eyes was almost too much to bear. Zim probably wouldn’t even notice really, but the risk of doing it and getting caught was far too great. Zim didn’t take kindly to being mocked. Red’s gaze fell onto the airlock; he didn’t take too kindly to it at all…

“You know I wanted to be an invader once” Zim began, looking almost wistful, “But it seems there were greater plans out there for me! Amiright?!”

The crowd was silent barring the single “Woo!” of an overenthusiastic audience member, much to Red’s amusement. Zim appeared unphased. Too caught up in his little spiel, probably.

“Any-who where was I, oh yeah, you will all be assigned to a planet! There, you will disguise yourselves, gather information. Information we shall in turn use to take that little sucker of dirt over!”

The excited faces of the crowd reminded Red of his own excitement. He was gonna be free of this dump! Free of Zim, free of the academy, free of… free of…

“Let the assigning begin!”

Instinctively, Red stood up straight. Judgment time. He wasn’t that short really… Surely Zim would notice he’d grown a little this time and give him somewhere decent.

“Larb!"

Yeah, he was decently proportioned, antennae an alright length. That had to count for something right?

“Spleen!”

Hurry up you stupid… stupid…

“Skoodge! Ah Skoodge, still as small and stinky as ever I see!”

Skoodge looked nothing short of heartbroken. Though to be fair, Zim was right. Skoodge was always on the shorter side… and he did stink.

“You will be assigned to a planet known as Blorch, home of the slaughtering rat people, have fun!”

Skoodge returned to the line, antennae drooping. He stood next to Red this time, and much to the irken’s horror… He was about an inch taller. This was bad. Really bad. What could be worse than a planet of slaughtering rat people? His squeedily-spooch tightened at the thought. Before he could even psyche himself up to walk to Zim, a scream cut through the crowd. Red stood there, frozen, mouth ajar. He knew that voice. He knew that Tallest damn voice. And it seemed Zim did too, if his expression, mirroring Red’s, was any indication. Within seconds, the front of the audience parted and... There he was. Purple. As smug and… purple as ever. Zim looked absolutely livid.

“You! I banished you! How dare you defy your Tallest's orders!” he shouted.

“Wait! Just listen for a second!” Purple said, holding his arms out in surrender.

“Interrupting Zim?! That is an unspeakable, unfathomable, immeasurable crime, I’ll have you killed I’ll-“

“But-"

“What do you want?!”

“I came because I realised you’d forgotten to invite me. I'm not offended, or anything don’t worry, easy mistake, we all make em’"

Red narrowly avoided letting out a snort. Bad move, Purple.

“Mistake? Me? Zim? Never! What exactly are you trying to imply? I'd advise that you choose your following words wisely, and … quickly! That is if you wish to live.”

Purple’s eyes widened, as did Red’s. It had been all fun and games a moment ago but now… Now Red was a little nervous.

"Nothing, it’s just- Oh wow would you look at that, the whole gang really is all back together, see there's… you, Red…” he pointed to Red, and Red could’ve sworn he’d shot a smile at him, either that or he’d smirked, probably the latter. The idiot. His point worked its way to Red’s left a little, “And uhh… Skodge”

“It’s Skoodge.” the irken in question piped up.

“Silence!” Zim said.

“What I’m trying to say is,” Purple began ‘It only makes sense that we’re all made invaders right? Except of course you, my Tallest, you alone are above even the most prestigious of titles”

Laying on the flattery, the charm. That was a decent strategy. Though still annoyed by the delay, Red would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least little impressed at Purple’s ability to sway people. He was good at it when he wanted something. It was about the only thing Red could say that he was good at, with some certainty (a side-effect of being defective meant that you were rarely good at anything). Even Zim looked mildly impressed for a second or two, but then his brow furrowed, and his eyes narrowed. Zim was a self-absorbed idiot, but contrary to Red’s belief he wasn’t entirely stupid.

“I didn’t invite you, Purple, because you SINGLEHANDEDLY, ruined my entire plan. Think yourself lucky you’re not dead" he shouted, voice echoing across the hall.

“You’re the one who set everything on fire-“

Red winced. Another bad move, bringing that up.

“I improved those fires, why does nobody get that?!”

“Zim, I mean, my Tallest, I apologise, I truly do, please just give me a chance, I know I can be a great invader. Look I’ll even grovel a little, please!”  
Purple got on his knees, hands wrung together. Embarrassing really. With a shake of his head, Red put his face in his hands, just to avoid looking at the idiot. However, nobody could deny the sudden change in Zim’s demeanor.

“Hmmm…Maybe… maybe you are deserving after all, I appreciate your enthusiasm young  
Purple. You remind me of me when I was a little smeet... uh, minus the groveling.”

“But we’re the same a—"

“Alright! My brilliant mind is made up. I’ll make you an Invader after all!”

Red’s mouth fell open.

“Yes! You will absolutely not regret this decision my Tallest!” Purple said, eyes practically sparkling.

There were no words, absolutely no words. How on Irk…

“Excellent! The assigning is complete!”

NO. Red couldn’t believe it. All this work to get here and he’d been upstaged, forgotten, thanks to a purple little— Red couldn't help himself.

“What about me?” he yelled out. To his surprise, the crowd fell silent.

Zim looked down at him, expression uninterested. “Oh just go together I don’t care.”

“What?” Red said.

“You heard me. Alright, cause’ I’m bored now.”

“My Tallest, you can’t!”  


“You dare question Zim?”

“No, it’s just you haven’t even assigned m— us a planet.”

“Errrr... just find one.”

"What? Why?!"

A sudden explosion of confetti fell down from the ceiling and before Red had time to react he was promptly covered in it. More like engulfed, actually. To his absolute dismay, when he'd crawled free of the pile, spitting out lumps of colourful paper across the stage Zim had already vanished. Gone with the crowd. But Purple hadn't, of course he hadn't. He was right there staring at Red, looking awfully pleased with himself.


	2. Garbage Information Retrieval Unit

For the longest time, neither Red or Purple said a word. Red was beyond annoyed, and it was obvious that Purple could tell. He looked almost sheepish.

“Man, that guy’s attention span. Am I right?” said Purple, trying to ease the air between them with a smile, “That was way easier than I thought it'd be.”

“You!" Red yelled. He wasn't about to let this thing go so easily. Not just yet anyway. "What are you playing at?! You've never wanted to be an invader.” 

Purple blinked at him, taken aback. “Can’t an irken have a change of heart?”

“No. You’re just doing this to bother me, aren’t you? You just couldn’t accept the fact that I was going places.”

“Why’s this got to be all about you? I just got sick of working for Sizz-lorr and thought, hey, this things going on isn’t it, I might as well get in on it.”  


Without another word, Red gritted his teeth and stormed off, not wanting to cause a scene in front of the remaining audience members. Much to his annoyance, the sound of Purple’s steps against the smooth floor tailed him behind, following him at every turn.

“An invader is a bit of a step up from a fast-food employee don’t you think?” Red said a minute or so later. After debating whether or not it was worth giving Purple the silent treatment for his surprise entrance, he decided it wasn’t really fair. It was really Zim who’d made him see red, no pun intended. All the other invaders had a set location, and what was he supposed to do? Wander around space aimlessly until he happened to find somewhere worthy of conquering? It was an additional and completely unnecessary handicap, that made him feel as though he was being mocked somehow. Though in reality, that probably wasn’t the case. It was just how Zim operated, with no rhyme or reason at all. Red turned to find Purple snacking on a bag of donuts. Where on Irk he’d gotten them in the time they'd been walking, Red hadn’t the faintest idea.

“Yeah well, it sounded fun,” Purple replied.

“Wasn’t it fun enough at Shloogorgh's?”

“Are you serious? It was torture! All that food and if you so much as looked at anything you’d be thrown in the deep fryer.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“M’not” he replied; mouth now chock full of donuts. He swallowed them all in one gulp, in a manner that looked almost painful “Sizz-lorr is insane.”

Purple hadn’t been working at Shloogorgh's for long, just since the end of operation impending doom one. The Tallest had spared no time in setting the second one up right away. But even so, Red had still visited a few times. He told Purple he'd just so happened find himself near Food Courtia and fancied a snack, which wasn’t completely untrue, he did want to eat. But if given the choice he’d have much preferred Glucion’s, a little snack-bar off to the side that specialised in all things sugary. Purple would’ve done too, since they shared a sweet tooth, so he hoped the irken wouldn’t realise that and question his choice in dining. In truth, he went to see Purple, though he didn’t know why. Irkens weren’t exactly encouraged to make friends. And maybe they weren’t friends. Purple was frustrating, beyond frustrating actually. Maybe it was because they’d known each other so long and he missed familiar company. He'd rather die than speak to Zim, even if he could and Skoodge was boring, so Purple was his only real option anyway.

“It never seemed to bother you that much when you were there,” Red said, snatching a donut off him. Purple complained a lot… about everything. So it seemed odd that he'd rarely ever mentioned his job discrepancies during their meetups.

“Sizz-lor. Is. Insane.” the other irken repeated, looking hurt, “If I complained enough, he’d know, he had this little tracking dev — oh, he can probably still hear me now actually, so I should probably stop. I don't want to make him any angrier than he needs to be.”

“What? So you escaped?”

“Maybe.”

“Of course you did. Alright, whatever.”

“You don’t care?”

“Why would I? It just means you won't be on this mission for long, which is good news for me.”

“Oh he won’t find me, don’t worry”

“I wasn’t worrying,” Red said, a little too quickly for his liking.

Purple grinned at his response and Red had half a mind to punch him. “You’re insufferable,” he said instead and the other irken chuckled.

“So, you ready to get your robot?” Purple asked. 

“Of course I am,” Red said, taking a bite out of the donut. Why wouldn’t he be?

At last, he’d made it to the front of the queue. Red stepped forward, unable to hold back the smile that had been trying to creep onto his face, the second Purple had brought it up. He'd always wanted a robot slave of his own, ever since he was a smeet. Purple knew that well enough. The irken giving them out was a head taller than him, and very stocky. The smeet inside him was almost a little intimidated by her. She looked a lot like one of the particularly mean commanding officers of his academy days. Not that that mattered anymore. He was an invader now. And he was about to get his SIR unit. Only instead of one jumping down from the ceiling to greet him as master, the pink-eyed irken threw something else in front of him. Something that clattered to the floor. 

"A top-secret model," she said, clearly noting Red's confused expression

"Right..." he replied, staring blankly at the pile of parts. Was this some sort of joke? "It looks... bad..."

"It's a special gift," she said, eyes sparkling with some unknown ardor, amusement perhaps? "Hand-made by the Tallest himself, he wanted someone to try it out."

Oh. That explained why it looked like literal garbage. 

"How nice," Red said, trying not to sneer. Trust Zim to think he could make something as complex as a SIR unit. The thing would probably wind up killing them both before they even reached their planet, that is if it even worked at all. He suddenly felt very on edge, when out of nowhere, a light blue glow pulsated within the robot. And to Red's utter astonishment it flared to life, mirroring the movements of the other SIR units exactly.

"Gir reporting for duty," it said with an accompanying salute, staring up at its master with its huge, unblinking eyes.

"Gir?" Red couldn't help but ask, he was utterly confused as well as amazed. The thing could actually speak. "What does the 'G' stand for?"

"I don't know" it replied, tongue flopping out of its mouth. It proceeded to slouch, as if it had run out of power, only its lights were still on, so it clearly hadn't. Then there was a brief awkward silence. A silence in which Red contemplated strangling the Tallest to death with his own bare hands. Of course, everything was too good to be true, the robot worked, but it was as dumb as a sack of bricks. He should have expected nothing more from the leader who tried to outlaw germs. His observation of the robot was further confirmed when it once again sprang back to life, this time with a whoop, wildly punching at its own head with its tiny metal fists. Red simply watched it, quite unsure of what to do and a little afraid. Years of narrowly avoiding Zim's experiments, robotic or otherwise were telling him to prepare for an imminent explosion.

"So that's it then," Red said. 

"Yes," she replied, not even a hint of pity to her voice. Good, he didn't want to be pitied, he could handle this, functioning SIR unit or not.

"Next." She said.

“It's about time," Purple said, sending a smirk Red's way as he stepped forward, arms held out expectantly. 

Rolling his eyes, Red tried not to stomp as he walked away. He was an adult for Tallest's sake. So if he thought about it rationally, if Purple got a proper robot, that was good or the mission. So he should be glad, even if it wasn't fair in the slightest. The thought of it still made his insides bubble with envy.

“Hm, looks like we’re all out, you’ll just have to share it with your partner” 

Share it? Red span around, flabbergasted.  
"There's plenty left!" Red argued, pointing to the conveyer belt above their heads.

"Tallest’s orders," she replied with a shrug, her voice unwavering.

"Fine I didn't want even want one that badly anyway." Purple said as he kicked the ground, looking an awful lot like a petulant smeet. To Red's surprise he made no further attempts to argue. And if Purple wasn't going to make a scene, Red certainly wouldn't. It wouldn't do him wonders to be seen as more disobedient than the irken who 'ruined' the Tallest's entire plan. 

They walked out and towards the ship in silence, Purple a fair distance behind Red and Gir running in circles around him, spouting odd noises the entire way. Maybe it was some sort of code? Part of an alien-deflecting ruse perhaps? Who was he kidding, the robot was made by Zim, it probably had garbage for brains.

Upon finally reaching the ship, Red turned in surprise to find himself alone. The brief thought of ditching Purple to go off on his own flickered through his mind. Then again Gir was at least meant to be useful, wasn't he? And he couldn't just leave without his robot minion, even if he wasn't exactly...right. A defective SIR unit was better than no SIR unit at all. Plus, Zim would probably want reports on how it was working. So with a huff, he made his way back down the corridor.

"GIR?" he called.

Another invader, packing up her own ship eyed him. Red recognised her from the assigning, Invader Dee if he wasn't mistaken. She'd got an easy planet. Lucky.

"You looking for someone?" she asked.

"My SIR unit" he replied, suddenly overcome with a wave of embarrassment. They were meant to follow orders and his wasn't, what did that say about him?

"You lost it?" she asked, curly antenna perking in intrigue.

"Uh well, Purple must have taken it somewhere" he grumbled. At least then it wouldn’t seem as though he was entirely incompetent, it was their SIR... Gir unit after all, so they had shared orders over it.

"Oh right, you're working together aren't you?" Red tried not to look too perturbed by the comment, especially now that she was smirking. "He went down there." she continued, pointing to one of the many corridors that joined onto their current one.

"Thanks," he said.

"They make quite the duo," Dee called after him, vague amusement coating her words.

"I'm sure they do." Red muttered under his breath. The second most idiotic and destructive irken in existence and a ticking time bomb created by the most idiotic and destructive irken in existence. They sounded like a winning combination right there.

At last, after what felt like hours, the tell-tale racket of Gir's excited giggling drew Red to their exact location. The robot in question was standing there, his arm elongated and shoved up the slot of a vending machine. Purple was next to him, sitting cross-legged on the floor, face covered in chocolate and a lap filled with the stuff. He looked especially pleased with himself.  


"What is the meaning of this?" Red shouted, gawking at the two of them. 

"I thought we'd need some snacks for the journey." Purple replied, 

"We've already got food, I'm not an idiot," Red said.

"Yeah well however much food you've got isn't enough."

It took every ounce of Red's self-control not to slap that smug look right off the purple-eyed irken's face. Instead, he settled for a deep sigh, pinching the bridge between his own red eyes. "Why didn't you just tell me where you'd gone."

"I dunno... you were too far ahead, I thought we could do this when you fixed up the ship, conserving time y'know... working as a team," Purple said. It was clear he was picking his words with care.

"Working as a team means you tell your teammates what you're doing before you do—"

"Purple said he wanted to make a biiiiig surprise for you." Gir cut in, chocolate bubbling out of his mouth. Were robots supposed to eat?

"I did not, " Purple said, shooting the robot a glare. Gir blinked. Then very slowly, his little pink tongue reached out to lick a smudge of chocolate on Purple's forehead. This, in turn, elicited a disgusted cry from the irken. 

"Look," Red began, watching in silent amusement as Purple tried to wrestle away the robot that had now managed to grip onto his arm "I don't care what you said, let's just go, I bet everyone else is already gone."

"Fine." Purple stood up and Gir fell to the ground with a soft plop. And before Red could so much as turn around...  


"A little help?"

If it were someone else Red might've asked 'Why'd you get so many if you knew you wouldn't be able to carry them all' but believe him, he'd tried with Purple, all attempts at scolding or questioning when it came to food were futile.  


"Fine, but only because I'm starving," Red said picking up an armful of sweets.

"You're always starving," Purple replied, grabbing a bunch himself.

"And you're not?" countered Red.

"I never said I wasn't, that's why I came here." 

Alright, fair play. Maybe a reason Red felt drawn to the other irken was because they knew each other so well, or because they were so similar... ONLY it came to food and their mutual hatred of Zim. Red was FAR more skilled when it came to anything useful. 

"GIR, carry the rest of these back to the ship," Purple commanded. And without missing a beat, Gir guzzled up the remaining candy bars like a vacuum cleaner. "That's... not what I meant," Purple said, sounding crestfallen. Unable to help himself Red snorted at the ridiculous display, only laughing harder as the other irken shot a scowl at him.

They walked back to the ship, their arms full of candy and bickering the entire way. A few of the remaining invaders watched them go by with varying degrees of confusion or amusement. Red tried to not let them bother him, he was going to show them all in the end. He'd be the first to conquer his planet, disadvantages and all. At last when they reached the loading station, Purple, a little too eagerly, thumped the button to the storage pods, causing an avalanche of food to cascade out of the ship.

"I told you we'd got enough," Red said, jumping into the ship to make some final adjustments and leaving his disgruntled companion to clean up the mess.


	3. Proximity warning. Planet ahead.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red, Purple, and Gir finally make it to Earth! Also Purple is either a fashion disaster or a fashion icon depending on your perspective. The glasses are specifically over-sized, heart-shaped, pink-tinted ones lol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took me so long to update! The draft of this chapter has been sitting on my computer for so long but I'd been too lazy to sort it out. I hope you enjoy it anyway! Next time shouldn't take so long.

_Proximity warning. Planet ahead._

It took seven months to get to planet Earth. Seven excruciatingly painful months. It would have been six had they not stopped so many times to refill their snack pods. On one particular stop, they lost Purple completely and spent an entire day searching for him, only to find him back at the ship, submerged deep in a crevice of snacks, having never left at all. At another, they unwilling picked up an alien hitchhiker. Some pink blobby thing that radiated a putrid odour. Once they’d discovered it, Purple had suggested that they should just throw it out the airlock to be done with it and Red had been more than happy to oblige, that is until it pulled out a disintegration ray and threatened them to keep on flying. At least for the day that it was on board Gir had stopped singing, instead finding himself in what appeared to be an intense philosophical debate of some kind with it. Two weeks after dumping the blob, a pink slime began to ooze from of Gir's head. As it so happened, it had laid its egg in there and Red had nearly suffocated when the hatchling had latched itself onto his face. He was saved when Purple slammed open the airlock sending it flying out into deep space. It was an event both irkens had agreed never to speak of again.

Gir had also taken it upon himself to provide them with entertainment for the entire journey (if you could even call it that). It began with ‘The Doom song’, then ‘The Moon song’, then ‘The Food song’ and then right the way back to ‘The Doom song’ again. Basically anything and everything that the robot set his eyes on, or heard, or tasted became the subject of a new song. By the time they reached their destination Red was just about ready to tear out his own antennae and Purple had literally programmed himself into a coma. On the bright side, at least Gir was capable of knowing things, so he wasn’t completely useless. Whether these observational skills were up to the standards of a regular SIR unit was… relatively uncertain but it was something nonetheless. One point for the very short list Red had decided to dub, ‘Things that are good about Gir’, another point being that he hadn't yet exploded.

However, now, as the green and blue planet arose into view, those issues seemed distant to Red. This one looked like it was actually worth conquering, unlike the others they’d passed. It wasn’t hollow, it was rich in materials and it wasn’t in the path of any oncoming meteorite, at least not anytime soon. The only problem was that this meant it was almost certainly inhabited. Oh well, a little extra work didn’t seem so bad.

"Hey, Purple!" 

Upon receiving no reply Red looked back to find his companion sprawled out in his seat, spit dribbling down his chin. Oh right, the coma thing. With a sigh Red made his way over, and flopped Purple forward to get a look at his PAK. It was weird messing with this thing, one wrong move and he could suffer some horrible brain-damage… or worse. Red had told him repeatedly that he wasn't a doctor, that it was insanely risky to leave an unqualified irken in control of a PAK that wasn't their own. But Purple, as stubborn as ever and fuelled by his utter lack of tolerance for Gir wouldn't hear any of it and so somehow he’d managed to get Red to agree on it.

The inside of Purple's PAK was like nothing he had ever seen, everything was jumbled and strange. Something had obviously gone wrong when the control brains had assembled him and he'd somehow managed to slip through the cracks without being eradicated. Looking at the thing made him feel slightly nauseous, it was daunting and complex. Why didn't he just say no to Purple... it would've saved him a lot of stress. Not that he should care, this wasn't his PAK and Red had informed him of the risks. Besides, Purple wasn't even supposed to be here in the first place, and he was only a detriment to Irk anyway, just like Zim… all defectives were. But even so, Red’s guts churned as he readied himself to reattach the wires. They were the right ones right? Yes, he told himself, yes just do it, you don’t need to worry.

Fortunately, upon closing his PAK Purple gained consciousness almost instantly, and showed no immediate signs of brain-damage either, his big purple eyes blinking one by one. Red let out a sigh of relief, though he tried to mask it as a sigh of irritancy. 

"Are we there yet?" Purple asked sleepily.

"Yeah, no thanks to you.”

"What's it called?" Purple asked, sitting upright to peer out the window, antenna perked.

"Planet Earth," Red said as he flopped back down onto the captain's chair.

"It looks horrible," he grimaced, "It’s not one of those disgusting dirt planets is it?"

"I think so,” Red said, and Purple let out a groan.

“It’s better if it's horrible, you're not meant to like the planet we're taking over, Purple," he said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. Of course this 'teammate' of his missed the point of the mission entirely. They weren’t here for their own leisure. "And besides, we won't be here long," he added.

"Obviously," Purple replied, gaze falling out the window and onto the planet below. Red tried to ignore the fact that he didn’t sound so sure of himself.

"Gir!" 

From beneath a pile of discarded candy wrappers their robot arose with an extraordinarily drawn-out _yeeees?_

"We’re about to descend,” Red began, once he was certain he had Gir’s attention, “So I need you to run a quick scan over the planet’s surface. We need to find out what species this planet’s native inhabitants are, so we can make our disguises and build our home.”

Gir nodded along, expression more serious than Red had ever seen it before, barring the debate with the blob.

“Whatever they are, I hope they’re not ugly,” Purple said from behind him. By the sounds of it, he’d gotten into a packet of something, probably cookies. “That would suck.”

Red hummed in agreement as he prepared the ship for its descent. He wasn’t keen on the idea of dressing up as _anything_ in the realm of a slaughtering rat person. He thought back to Skoodge for a moment. Even _he’d_ probably landed on his planet by now. Red’s grip on the navigation stick tightened. “Strap yourselves in.”

“First things first, we need to sort out our disguises,” said Red, arms crossed.

They’d landed on a dark and desolate street with flickering streetlamps. It wasn’t pleasant and the air smelt… polluted, but then that wasn’t the point anyway, it didn’t need to look nice. The patch of empty space in front of them seemed an appropriate place as any to build a base, with two nearby houses they could steal power from if need be.

“Gir, what did you find out about the beings that live here?”

“I saw a squirrel” he replied.

Both irkens blinked in unison.

“It was doing like this!” Gir shrieked, nibbling at something invisible between his hands. Purple looked to Red expectantly.

“Luckily, I can hook him up to the disguise machine directly,” Red began, placing down a box that promptly twisted itself into said machine, “He’s bound to have gathered some data, let’s see.”

Grabbing a wire from the ship, he connected it to the machine then flicked open Gir’s head, eyeing the insides cautiously. _Good_ , no face-eating hatchlings this time. He attached the opposite end of the wire and the machine whirred to life.

“Hu-mans?” Purple said, peering down at the detachable screen, “Hm, well they’re not as bad as I thought they’d be. Nothing to ride home about though, I mean they’re still ugly, but least they’re bipedal.”

It took no time at all for Red to pick his disguise. They had to be quick after all, and this one seemed appropriate. Dark hair, dark skin, brown eyes, with a nose and some ears. There, perfect! Much to his annoyance, these humans were actually far taller than he’d anticipated, or at least the adult ones were, so they’d do better trying to pass themselves off as human… larvae instead. It would be far more efficient than trying to build themselves some robotic height enhancers after all. Handing the pad to Purple, Red stepped inside the machine. There was the instant jab of the holographic chip, sparks as the hologram coated his body, jumbling him around rather violently, then it spat him out in a cloud of smoke. As he stood up, dusting off his new clothes, he noted Purple, fiddling around with the pad.

“What are you doing?” Red asked, rubbing his eyes.

“I’m trying to find a disguise for Gir. Do you think he’d make a good dog?”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“It’s this animal that humans keep as pets.”

“Yeah, sure.” Red said, stepping out the way as Purple led Gir to the machine. These holographic contacts were so _itchy,_ his eyes were practically watering.

In a flash of light and a burst of smoke the doors opened to reveal Gir, or at least what he assumed was Gir. Red couldn’t see much of anything at first, just a green blob as his eyes took a moment or two to adjust. But once everything came back into focus he had to say that the disguise didn’t look too bad… ignoring the fact he didn’t actually know what a dog looked like. It was a little odd that Gir gotten a costume, instead of a holographic chip like Red. Perhaps they hadn't gotten the most reliable disguise machine... Purple seemed to think it was good enough though, judging by the look on his face.

“Alright, me next!” he said, flicking through the pad. After a while of careful consideration, he shoved it into Red’s face, “What do you think?”

Red’s brow furrowed. “What is this? Most humans have ears and noses, and they definitely don’t have green skin, at least according to Gir’s data. You’ve gotta make your disguise more appropriate Purple, we don’t want to stand out.”

“ _You_ may not want to stand out, but I don’t have a problem with it. I like how I look!”

“It’s not about that! See, this is why you failed your academy training!”

“Hey! At least I didn’t cheat!”

“It was on _one_ exam okay.”

“Pfft, yeah right, _one exam_. Alright fine, I’ll make myself look more human if it’ll shut you up. Hair, skin, clothes, NOSE, EARS, there!”

He’d stormed into the machine before Red could even process what he’d said, and he emerged almost as quickly.

“Happy now?”

The disguise Purple had settled on actually _was_ suitable. Nose, ears, brownish hair, pale skin, with a big mauve jacket and-

“What are those?” Red said, pointing to the strange goggle-like things sitting on his head.

“I dunno,” Purple said, adjusting them with a smile, “They’re cool though right?”

Cool, was definitely _not_ the word that came to mind. Absolutely _ridiculous_ was a lot more like it. Red snorted, and at the sound of laughter, Gir promptly joined in.

“Oh, _whatever_ ,” grumbled Purple, “At least I _tried_ something with my outfit. What are you wearing? A shirt and trousers? You’re basically just wearing your Invader outfit, that’s boring!”

“Whatever you say Purple,” said Red, still grinning. He went to the ship and pulled out the base-design pad.

“Wait, wait, can I have my own door!"

"What?" Red replied. He pulled the pad towards himself just as Purple made a grab for it.

"It'll be less suspicious if we live in separate houses."

"But... it'll just be the same house... with two doors. I’m not finding somewhere else to build another base."

"No, I meant we could split it down the middle. Look see your side can be red and my side can be purple. I can have little animal thingies on my side, and you can have uhhh…"

"Stop being stupid!"

"I'm not! It's better this way, we're obviously never going to agree on the design for this thing so we might as well just have half each."

"Who said you had a say in any of this in the first place," Red said with a scowl.

"Uh, the _Tallest_ did, he made me an invader too y’know."

"The Tallest is a brain-dead defective who's on the road to leading us all into extinction!"

"Yeah, but he picked you, and all the others as well, didn't he?"

"The only smart thing he's ever done is pick me," Red mumbled in reply. “And he nearly forgot about me thanks to you.”

They glared at each other. It felt slightly odd now that Purple looked so different, with hair and a nose and his eyes blue instead of their signature purple. Yet the longer Red stared, the less different he actually seemed. It was quite strange really, how much his true self seeped through, even when it really shouldn’t have. He was there in his expression and those stupid pink-tinted glasses. Eventually, Purple broke the silence with a sigh, “Look I’m-“

But before he could finish, a flicker of light appeared in a nearby window. Red froze as the silhouette of a person came into view. Purple followed his gaze, then stood perfectly still. By some sort of divine intervention Gir was also quiet, though that probably wasn’t on purpose, he seemed too mesmerised by a nearby rat to be aware of his surroundings. After a tense second or two, the figure stumbled out of sight and the light went out. That was close. Or was it? There was no telling how smart this planet native inhabitants were yet, and they were already in their disguises and sheltered by the night, so they were more than likely safe. All the same, Red let out a sigh of relief. "Fine," he hissed, We'll go with whatever your idea was." 

Purple’s eyes lit up, “Really? Then can my door be pink?”

“Yeah, just hold on a second,” Red said, quickly flicking through the options for his own side, red walls, black door, spikey fence, this stuff didn’t even matter really, not in the grand scheme of things. He thrust the pad at Purple who seemed startled by the fact he’d already finished, “There, knock yourself out. Just don’t mess with my side alright?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

As he’d predicted, Purple took significantly longer to design his side of the house. He refused to share any of his progress, then hit confirm before Red had the chance to review it.

The house that sprang up was a mess. The left side painted a purple so bright that his eyes hurt just looking at it. Ornaments of indeterminate animal species were scattered across the lawn and a series of lights were strung around every window. Much to his word, Purple _had_ stuck to his own side. Only as a result of this, Red’s looked so dingy by comparison that he made a mental note to do something about it later. For now, they had a mission to begin.

So, with Gir tailing behind him, they marched up their respective paths, opened up their respective doors, met with their respective robo-parents and then once inside turned to face one another again. It didn’t seem efficient to split the inside of the base in half as well. Although part of him wanted to scream, everything up until this point had taken way longer than it was supposed to and they were more than likely way behind everybody else, that part was suffocated as he met Purple’s satisfied smile. He found that he couldn’t help but return it. Step one _was_ complete after all.


End file.
